Ever since I can remember – as far back as middle school – people have been telling me how laid back I am. I’m not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, but I’d like to think it’s the former rather than the latter. It’s weird too, because I have crippling social anxiety. I guess I can just pull it off better than other people, and I guess that also means it’s not very crippling after all.
It feels like it at times, but I’ve never been thrown into a situation that’s caused me to spas out and have a panic attack. Or maybe I have; I just dealt with it as silently as possible because what could be worse than a panic attack? People knowing you’re having a panic attack, that’s what.
I have so much anxiety that it cancels itself out in fear that it could become even worse. So it’s pretty much like I’m completely normal and stress free, just really twitchy and awkward at times. It can feel like the smallest things are the end of the world sometimes, even when I know it’s not. Still, my heart and mind tell me I’m in danger for whatever reason so my nervous system acts accordingly, in turn making me act weird as fuck. Or atleast it sure seems like it.
I overthink shit and worry way too much about trivial everyday fuckery, but I can still keep my cool. I don’t know how or why, but I do.
Maybe that’s why I’m always the one out of our group of friends who has to talk to cops or pissed off neighbors when shit hits the fan – even when it’s at someone else’s house, or we’re getting pulled over in someone else’s car and the cop tells me the dumb ass driver “can speak for himself.” Maybe I’m a manipulative sociopath; I have no idea. I’m not a psychiatrist.
However, I’d like to think I’m just Metal as fuck and that’s what keeps my zen in check.
It’s like an existential crisis. We’re just primates on a rock hurtling through space or whatever. So why worry about people judging you? At some point in life you have to wake up and realize that you’re not a special snowflake — and likewise that no one else is either.
Sure, some people have tons of money and that allows them to eat healthier, stay in better shape and sleep in an expensive bed in an expensive house with ten bathrooms. All that means is they were able to push themselves over the edge and put forth the effort and confidence to do something marketable.
The whole “American dream” thing about being anything you want to be might not be entirely correct but confidence is everything, even if you’re stupid.
Just look at Lil Wayne or Adam Sandler. They’re fucking talentless idiots, but they both have pretty awesome lives, all because they weren’t too scared to try.